Every once and a while we will post a few lighter moments of the game,
that should bring a smile to your face.
If you have anything you think might be appropriate, please email it in.
Here’s one from Big Al
One day a man decided to retire, so he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a GolfCourse ?"
Thanks to Jerry for this one
This letter was presented as evidence in a recent US murder-trial:
Fellow sufferers,
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive; and we all know there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Vince. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.
Since I retired several years ago (with some health issues), it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. Boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
Lastly when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. Yesterday she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact, and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, Vince
EDITOR'S NOTE: Vince (aged 62) died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a “Calloway Big Bertha Driver II” golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, with a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder, after being found sitting quietly in their dining room with a copy of the above in her hand.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her “Not Guilty” accepting her defence that Vince somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A classic from John Tempest
David Feherty was introducing some pros that were playing in a charity golf event.
With each golfer, Feherty gave facts and stories about each of the golfers.
He got down the line to Vijay Singh and proceeded to give this information to all who were present.....
"Vijay is one of the best players alive today. He has more wins after the age of 40 than any golfer in the history of the game.
He is the first man on the range in the morning, and the last man on the range at night.
Basically, this man has hit more balls than Elton John's chin."
Pregnent! The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?", answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught
A good one from Danny
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell.But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it! I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you!"
One from Steve Matthews in Port Hedland
John stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemedan eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start hisback swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking solong?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' John explained. 'Iwant to make a perfect shot.' His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her fromhere.
Shane Sewards got a new book he's working on
You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of years putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book
The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience. The book is only $99.
Highlights include
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8) Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for drinking beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Also includes the latest GOLF terms
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer A Selman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Kate Moss - bit thin A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - got away with it A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems An elephant's arse - high and sh*tty A condom - safe but didn't feel real good A circus tent - a BIG top An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Ryan air - flies well but lands a long way from the target A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
Italian Golfers An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it..How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old', says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
"Who said he wanted to?"
Thanks to Keith for this one.
Ever wonder what becomes of old caddies?
In the golfing world, Nick Faldo's old caddy Fanny Sunesson is to marry masters champion V J Singh.
At the press conference V J Singh commented "I'm hoping to make her Fanny Singh by Christmas".
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
(Thanks to Lou Digregorio for most of these)
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merelya vain attempt to do the same thing."
The owner of a golf course was confused aboutpaying an invoice, so he decided to ask hissecretary for some mathematical help.
He calledher into his office and said, ‘I need some help.If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, howmuch would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
He said to the nipper "You have to count my strokes.So as a test, how much is six, plus nine, plus eight?".
The young boy thought for a moment and answered "Five".
To which my brother responded "Okay, he’s in, let's go."
Golf can best be defined as an endless series oftragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swingleft and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuabletip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect beforetaking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of thephrase 'maul it again.'
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreementbetween two golfers ...neither of whomcan putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matterhow badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go outand slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps andmiss every green. The next day you go out andfor no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing andthe 'gimme putt,' you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most fearedopponent is you.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament andmet on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golferasked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day is possible
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex....
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
Golf Poem In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By It's Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry, I Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises A Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
(Thanks to Jerry for this classic.)
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
---I am thinking of writing a book on golf.
Highlights include;
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Also includes my latest GOLF terms A Cathy Freeman - not pretty but a good runner A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Kate Moss - bit thin A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - got away with it A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Cathy Freeman but still a good runner A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver A Robin Cook - just died on the hill A Michael Jackson - gradually fading A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you A Ken Livingstone - quite far left A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right An elephant's arse - high and sh*tty A condom - safe but didn't feel real good A circus tent - a BIG top An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target A Peter Brock – dead against a tree!
John and Helen met while on vacation and John fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes…….... You need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
An Absolute Cracker
Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: “Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the back of the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is that correct?”
Wayne: "Yes mate, that's correct.”
Coroner: “Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse.”
Wayne: “Was it a Precept D-Feel Distance, with the number 4 on it?”
Coroner: “It was, yes”
Wayne: “That was my provisional.”
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod..'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE..........
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'
(And thanks to Jim Wyatt for these ones)
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS :
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart while you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!
