Every once and a while we will post a few lighter moments of the game,
that should bring a smile to your face.
If you have anything you think might be appropriate, please email it in.
(Thanks to Alf for this new one)
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
(Thanks to Lou Digregorio for most of these)
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merelya vain attempt to do the same thing."
The owner of a golf course was confused aboutpaying an invoice, so he decided to ask hissecretary for some mathematical help.
He calledher into his office and said, ‘I need some help.If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, howmuch would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
He said to the nipper "You have to count my strokes.So as a test, how much is six, plus nine, plus eight?".
The young boy thought for a moment and answered "Five".
To which my brother responded "Okay, he’s in, let's go."
Golf can best be defined as an endless series oftragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swingleft and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuabletip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect beforetaking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of thephrase 'maul it again.'
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreementbetween two golfers ...neither of whomcan putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matterhow badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go outand slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps andmiss every green. The next day you go out andfor no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing andthe 'gimme putt,' you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most fearedopponent is you.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament andmet on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golferasked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day is possible
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex....
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
Golf Poem In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By It's Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry, I Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises A Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
(Thanks to Jerry for this classic.)
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
(Here's a few more thanks to Jim Plowman and Alf Wettinger)
---I am thinking of writing a book on golf.
Highlights include;
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Also includes my latest GOLF terms A Cathy Freeman - not pretty but a good runner A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Kate Moss - bit thin A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - got away with it A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Cathy Freeman but still a good runner A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver A Robin Cook - just died on the hill A Michael Jackson - gradually fading A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you A Ken Livingstone - quite far left A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right An elephant's arse - high and sh*tty A condom - safe but didn't feel real good A circus tent - a BIG top An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target A Peter Brock – dead against a tree!
John and Helen met while on vacation and John fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes…….... You need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."
He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
An Absolute Cracker
Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: “Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the back of the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is that correct?”
Wayne: "Yes mate, that's correct.”
Coroner: “Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse.”
Wayne: “Was it a Precept D-Feel Distance, with the number 4 on it?”
Coroner: “It was, yes”
Wayne: “That was my provisional.”
(Here's one thanks to Jim Plowman and Alf Wettinger)
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod..'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE..........
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'
(And thanks to Jim Wyatt for these ones)
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS :
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart while you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!
